|
VOL. I No. 06
|
© Mujand LLC
|
ZILCHY, MUJAND REPUBLIC
|
December 25, 2016
|
Free
|
MODIFIED BEES ESCAPE
NEW CURRENCY NEWS
THE EKLISIVIA BANKNOTE
TARROWVA, EKLISIVIA--News out of Eklisivia is that the Government has announced its intention to abandon the Mujand Zilchy in favor of its own currency, the Nula. The theme of the new currency is unclear but rumors are spreading that the notes will feature the mythical creature known as, the Siren Vampire. The Mujand Investigator previously published the story of Captain Gid Tarrow and his recovered journal, in which he mentions these creatures. Although a popular myth with the public, many historians and scienteers believe the creatures Captain Tarrow and his men purportedly witnessed were hallucinate induced after the consumption of the nulaberry, which can be found in abundance on the dark island. Still, the public continues to celebrate these mythical creatures with the yearly festival Eve Sierna or Eve of the Siren. The design team is telling us to prepare for a provocative design. The unveiling of the new banknotes is coming soon. MORE BANKNOTE NEWS
PONEET TOBACCO NOTES
The Story of Aunt Doxie PORT AVASTUS, PONEET ISLANDS – One year ago, the Poneet Islands Tobacco Twins 50 kasutu banknote was released. It was then that we learned from The Poneet Islands National Archive and Records (PINAAR) that the Foreers family had uncovered the Poneet Tobacco notes but little more was revealed about the entire collection. Although several rumors surfaced that other notes did survive, nothing official was announced. One year later there is word that a second Tobacco banknote will be released for public collectors soon after several delays. According to sources close to the PINAAR banknote recovery project, the second note in the series has been a hot topic of debate amongst PINAAR officials and has been held back due to the disturbing nature of the image and its story on the reverse side of the banknote. Although the Tobacco Wars story was told, it would appear that several facts were undisclosed due to prior agreements between the Poneet Islands Government and the Koobineeva Family. According to our sources, the issue has been resolved and the 100 kasutu will be released soon, with the blessing of the Koobineeva family. Details were not released but we were given to understand that the reverse side of the 100 kasutu banknote will tell the previously untold story of Doxie Koobineeva, the sister of King Dayeekee Koobineeva. We were warned that the reverse side of the banknote would feature an image of the humiliation of Doxie Koobineeva. When the Investigator learned the name, Doxie Koobineeva, our research turned up very little except that she was the sister of the King. PINAAR says that this dark moment in the Poneet Island’s history will be revealed soon and that the image and story is a very disturbing example of what several tobacco companies, together with the governor, Sadre Bahn De Beleedi, did to anyone who stood in their way. We will continue to follow this story, as more information is available. TECHNICAL NEWS
ACCESS FREE ENERGY
Dy-Nomo Tech
Sencor, Sima Senco — Being a company steeped in historical inventions and discoveries, news from the Sima Senco technology company, Dy-Nomo Tech (DNT) rarely surprises anyone anymore. However, CEO Soveedia Vesechi has yet again slapped the world silly with her latest announcement. Two days ago, it was revealed that a working prototype of an electromagnetic harnessing apparatus has been powering a small office complex for over six months, solely on the energy gathered from the planet’s electromagnetic field. The experiment named, E2M Flusso or Electromagnetic Flow, has been harnessing the planet’s natural electromagnetic field and producing safe energy for this one office complex, which is roughly the size of an average home. “With this technology, communities will un-tether themselves from the wires and cables running across the landscape of their community. Fossil fuels will be needed less and less to power homes,” said Ms. Vesechi through an interpreter. The science is not new but Dy-Nomo Tech says it’s been working decades to perfect the process of harnessing the planet’s EM field and the company reports that within a few years this technology will be available for homes and someday in the future, transportation. “We see the residential segment of the market as our first target for the yet to be named power plant,” Ms. Vesechi said from her office in Sima Senco. “At this time the energy that can be created maxes out to just about the daily use of an average home. We see a combination of traditional power sources with our power plant in the beginning until the technology is perfected.” Vesechi went on to say that they will experiment further with mock homes using the power device and as the technology progresses they will introduce their power plant to consumers on a limited basis. When asked what the company’s time frame was for full public release, the Dy-Nomo Tech CEO did not hesitate. “I see us bringing it to market fully by 2020 MT. That is our goal.” This Dy-Nomo Tech announcement has not come without controversy. Several Scienteers have protested this technology stating that they believed these EM power plants are dangerous. (See: Socialist Scienteers Issue Warning, this issue.) Dy-Nomo Tech. (DNT) – Dobit Up 35.25 (25.6%) Open: 345.35 z Closed: 380.60 z 
MEDICAL NEWS:
Eye Reset Placement Bree Danto Eyes and Dr. Iris Keanna are now performing eye reset placement surgery to enhance the appearance of eye size. Several successful alterations have been achieved through this reset method and patients have reported no vision issues and are extremely pleased with the results. Beddi Daereez gave a glowing review of her new larger appearing eyes. “Oh yes, they all think I’m a spy now that I have larger eyes! I’m very happy.” “Through this procedure we are merely resetting the placement of the eye to give the appearance of larger eyes and the end result is a more appealing visual treat,” said Dr. Keanna. Several ophthalmologists and ophthalmology groups have expressed shock and concern over what they consider irresponsible and reckless surgeries. Dr. Scarde Kawtz of the ophthalmology group, All Your Eyes (AYE) believes that Dr. Keanna and BD Eyes are motivated by greed and that their procedure is one of extreme negligence. “We’ve seen many of these vanity alterations gone awry. I shutter to think of the bad we could see with this type of surgery. AYE strongly opposes this irresponsible procedure.” The procedure costs an eye-popping 18,000 zilchy. Or 9,000 zilchy per eye. “As the procedure gains popularity, you will see that price go down,” said Dr. Keanna. To this point, 231 procedures have been completed without incident or official complaints. Bree Donto’s stock has seen a 21% increase in the last 3 months. |
ABOUT THE BIRDS
|
MODSIW EMPLOYEES MISSING
UPDATE
ADANACTON, ADANAC BRIT--Four months after the mysterious disappearance of two scienteers and a student, it has come to light that Modsiw Gib Labs in Adanac Brit were indeed working to create an artificial wormhole when scienteers Enog Sieh and Yawa Deppils, and their student assistant Fiya Monsew vanished. They are listed as missing by the Adanacton Police and the case remains open.
“It’s a shame really. They were magnificent minds and just brilliant in their field,” said Kaerf Nettor, a colleague of the missing scienteers. “I do hope they reappear soon.” According to authorities investigating the incident, the team lost control of the wormhole, which then engulfed the three missing people before the power source could shut down. “We are uncertain of many of the technicalities in this case but regardless, we are treating this as a missing persons case,’ said Adanacton’s Chief of Police, Dawd Endisco. “This awful turn of events has caused us to suspend all experiments currently in progress by request of the Adanacton Police Force,” said Darix Habodil, CEO of MG Labs. “I have spoken with the people involved in this incident and our inquiry continues.” Hokin Frii Jett, a scienteer close to the experiment, released this statement. “The method they used to create this artificial wormhole is known as Magna-Punching, which involves concentrated amounts of mechanically created magnetic forces combined with natural forces, such as gravity and the planet’s electro-magnetic field. It is these forces that may have caused the disappearance of our colleagues.” Mr. Jett stated that he is cooperating with authorities and was unable to answer any questions regarding the investigation. Chief Endisco went on to say, “It’s unlikely that these people were killed. We believe they are somewhere else. Where they are? We are uncertain. But I have a feeling someone in Sima Senco might have a clue for us.” This ominous and mysterious last statement by the Chief has many scratching their head. Including the Mujand Investigator. STRANGE NEWSBEST LULLABY EVER
MAN SLEEPS TO OWN SONG Composer and poet, Zaw Zenoy, was found sleeping at his piano and mysteriously has not woken up in three days. Mr. Zenoy’s publicist and partner, Omida Naposs, reports that the Housekeeper heard the faint sounds of Zenoy playing his piano. When later she realized she’d not heard the sound of the piano for a while she entered his study to see if he required refreshment. It was at this time she found him collapsed on his piano. “But it was an odd slumber, I must say,” said the Housekeeper. “I immediately suspected a problem and contacted emergency personnel. “His notations seem to point in the direction of a lullaby composition,” said Police Investigator, Franc Disotay. “At this time we have no other theories as to how Zaw Zenoy collapsed and fell asleep.” Doctors are not calling his condition a coma. “His brain activity appears to be normal. He is asleep,” said Dr. Seno Wiite. “We attempted to just wake him but we are unable to shake him out of his slumber. He sleeps heavily. His lullaby must be the best ever written.” His wife, Gegee Zenoy was on a world trip but has headed back to be at his side. The Mujand Investigator will follow this story as it develops. MORE ON...THE CHASM X TIME LAG
UPDATE TIME EQUALIZATION ACT (TEA)
The Chasm X Authority and Supreme Macore Unity inspectors have revealed that the time anomaly has not altered the time to any of the remaining MT countries. Passed in 2013, the Time Equalization Act was created and implemented to enable the MT countries to remain in their time without interference from the ET countries, which it was determined would cause confusion and great damage to both sides. Both populations were kept apart. With the Chasm X time anomaly not occurring in any of the remaining MT countries and the challenges of keeping the MT countries isolated, both organizations have revealed being part of a secret strategy, which was started two years ago. Known as The M2E Project, the Supreme Macore Unity and the Chasm X Authority have been part of an ongoing effort to educate and inform MT countries as to the time disparity and to prepare them for the shock of the modern time. According to officials, they have met with much resistance and have had some negative results. However, there have been successes and the Shikoona Alese Project is one of those very successful transformations. The Chasm X Authority released this statement: “We are glad to announce that beginning next year or in 2018, Shikoona Alese will be allowed to join with the ET countries. We are very confident that they will adhere to the new time and flourish as a nation. They will have their own currency, a stable government and a healthy economy. Tourism will be limited at the beginning but as the country improves and proves itself, those restrictions will be lifted. We will release details as Shikoona Alese gets closer to its time change.” SCIENCE NEWS“Theory Full Of Hot Air”
It is well known now that the Universe’s expansion is accelerating. No one clear theory for this acceleration has been accepted by the scienteering community but a new and bizarre theory has been put forth by scienteer Triabel Nesneti. “The Universe’s expansion is due to run away gas, which will ignite and destroy all creation within the next few hundred or so years,” Nesneti said. The prediction has drawn ridicule from fellow scienteers. Lord Awgle Forksy expressed his outrage to the gas theory. “He says the universe is expanding because of runaway gas? I say Mr. Nesneti and his so-called theory, are full of hot air!” Many other scienteers are likeminded with regard to Nesneti’s theory. Mr. Nesneti continues to believe his run away gas theory just the same. “They can laugh all they want. I assure you, this run away gas is no laughing matter.” ENTERTAINMENT NEWS:
ALL IN THE TIMING
MAJOR, MINOR ERROR Top crud band, Augur Loath, has released its fifth musical essay entitled Mutable Lullaby. Unfortunately, All 100,000 copies were released with an unknown speed error. It is believed this occurred during the mastering process. Engineers believe their master may have been altered by the time anomaly. In a phone call with front woman, Harlot Agag, she confirmed the issue and went on to say that her record company, Gaffin Records, has issued a recall and refund program. To date, only 7,000 returns have occurred. “Why these issues were not verified is a mystery. But, it seems our fans want to keep the anomaly tracks. It’s now a collector’s item.” Agag said. One fan told us this; “She sounds like a chiphound on one track and then like brimstone on fire in the next. I love it!” A new master is in the works and should be released soon. |
